Fear pt. 1

Fear should be something solid. It should be something you can face, something you can view and analyze - something a psychologist would actually be able to piece together and make sense of.
I don't fear something solid, though; I fear the things you can't see. I fear the concept that I'll never be able to find my place in the world. I fear that my life will find a desolate conclusion before I can actually reach one of my ambitions.

I'm afraid of emotions. I don't like the way they can encompass one's thoughts and blind logic, or the way I actually crave them as much as I hate them. They snuff out the senses, and they bind my ability to think. I want to think almost as much as I want to be able to just 'let go' and feel.
I fear the possibility that I might not have friends anymore. I fear letting people down and earning their distrust, abandoning those who I'm closest to.

But most of all, I think I fear never being able to write. The idea of losing that, of not being able to be a novelist or just bleed out my thoughts on paper - I fear that the most. Not living up to who you are inside - that's something that people should really be afraid of.
I need writing more than I need anything else, and without that, I'm not really me.

I fear that I'll lose myself. Not just with writing, but with life. I fear that I'll become a person that no one can be proud of.