White-Out

White Out/Liquid Paper

If life were made of words, print on pages, ink on paper, I would be more careful to write mine out. I wish I had a brush, to white-out the mistakes, the chapters that took a horribly wrong turn. But then, I'll see that spot, the pale blotch in the midst of everything else, and it would call more attention to it.
To forget something, to pretend it never happened, makes it painfully more obvious. How do you brush over it, rewrite, backspace, and move forward? How do you just ignore a typo and continue?

I can't ignore my typos. Both literally and figuratively, I can't just overlook those mistakes. But I can't just brush over them, either. So I sit here, staring at the backspace tab, wishing I could just redo the entire thing.
I'm not good at shitty first drafts. They say to be a good writer, you need to accept that it isn't going to turn out good the first time. But I can't accept that. I can't handle doing it badly the first time, because the concept of how I could have done it haunts me.

Why do all my posts turn out like this? I have so many different prompts, so many different opportunities to do better. But they keep turning out like this - insightful in the most morbid ways, discouraging, quiet.
If I can't be honest in my writing, though, I don't know where else I can. Honesty is the trait we deny ourselves, and it's the one thing that allows us to heal.

I need to heal. I need to stop looking at the backspace key, and I need to move forward.

String

String.

I wonder how the string on a balloon would feel, if it were given that personification. To be tied to something that's always going higher, wandering, floating, and to be aimlessly led along. Would it wish it were the balloon? Free, light, with no mind or reason to where it wants to go.
Sometimes I feel like I'm that string. Tied to these different people, places, and memories, being tugged along because I'm not strong enough to let go.

Does the string fray? Does it lose value the longer it holds on, keeping the balloon together, hanging there? The balloon has to be tied before a string it attached, so I wonder if it were to let go, would the balloon still continue on? It probably would.

They probably would.

The string has no use if it isn't holding onto something. It might take a while before anyone would want to use it for anything else. I wonder how long it would take before I would find another face, another memory to grasp onto.

I wish I were the balloon.

Drama

I thought that once my adult life started, there would be less drama in it - both figuratively and literally. But that's not the case at all.

I've always been a sympathetic person, but I'm terrible and trying to read other people if it involves me. Relationships are really difficult, and I'm not only referring to romantically. It's hard to make a physical effort to maintain a friendship - to contact them, make them happy, keep a healthy, honest atmosphere. I like it, but at the same time I don't. The more friends you make, the more drama is involved.
He said, she said, they said, etc. That's without including the awkward territory of trying to be friends with someone you used to date.

"Hey, I know we broke up, but we can still be friends."

"Hey, your dog died, but you can still keep it."

I guess I would be lying if I said I didn't want that friendship, though. When you're that close to someone for so long - when you share everything with them, it's impossible to not want them nearby. I mean, it's easier if they're a jerk. But it's hard when they're still somebody worth caring about, someone you can't possibly look at the same ever again. And that's probably why they say you shouldn't stay friends - because you can't fully consider them only a friend after everything you shared.
I'm getting off topic.

I hate free-writing like this, because too many things come out, and some things are better left unsaid.